I don't like Christmas. I tell a lot of people that. I tell them before they ask, it's habit now this time of year. But today I asked myself why I really don't like Christmas - just to check.

It's simple: I don't like it because my mum isn't a part of it. I feel somewhat pathetic when I admit it to myself. Like a hopeless child. A hopeless selfish child, but it's the truth. 

I've tried to like Christmas. All 4 of them without her, it never works.

But here's the thing. I LOVE every other day of the year. I truly do. Even Christmas eve and boxing day are fine. My birthday, her birthday, even the anniversary of her death I stop in my tracks and make sure it's a beautiful day. But not Christmas. I just can't get along with Christmas, despite my best efforts.

AND YOU ARE TOO. 

I don't want to get all hippy again ( cough cough "Fuck society I'm travelling the world instead of settling down") but why the hell are we all forced to love Christmas and have to look at pictures of people eating a huge dinner "with all the family"?

WHAT ABOUT THE ONE'S THAT DON'T HAVE "ALL THE FAMILY" OR "ALL THE FOOD"?

IT'S OK TO NOT LIKE CHRISTMAS, and I will never been ashamed to admit why for 2 reasons:

1. I never need to apologise for feeling sad about my mums death

2. It gives me a kick up the butt and reminds me that life is short, and it could change at any given moment.

In this ridiculously positive daily life I lead I rarely come across negative emotions, but on the lead up to Christmas I do. I remember again, how unfair life can be, and how horrible it is for my brothers and I (as well as all of you out there) to spend yet another Christmas without a mum. And in a strange way I celebrate these emotions. They appear out of nowhere and pull at my heart; they remind me that I got to where I am now, not through luck or success, but through courage. These emotions remind me I'm brave. And I am so grateful for that.

IT'S OK TO NOT LIKE CHRISTMAS.

Hey, you know what day of the year I love? ALL OF THE REST. Each 364 of them. The love I have for this life I lead now completely counteracts my hatred towards the 25th December. And do you know why I love them? BECAUSE I'M NOT FORCED TO. I just go about my life without expectations or major influences, going with the flow.

IT'S OK TO NOT LIKE CHRISTMAS. Because life after losing someone will never be the same. It's not suppose to be the same. Death is designed to give new life. Even if that life means not liking Christmas.

Live your new life the way you want.